10 Tips for Building Trust

One day last January, I watched as eight inches of snow piled up one morning. My neighbor, Gene proceeds to go out and shovel his driveway. It must’ve taken him an hour of back-breaking work. Then surprisingly, I watch him as he walks to my yard and shovel MY driveway — it took him over an hour!

Now, if Gene ever needs a “favor” from me, he has it — yes? Although he didn’t do it for this reason, by selflessly giving to others, you sort of create an invisible ‘bank account’ — if you never give of yourself or your time or money, don’t expect much of the same in return.

Tip# 1: Build a reputation for benevolence, or doing something kind, helpful or useful for someone else.
Practice doing something for someone else every day for no apparent (ulterior motive) reason, and watch your trust build — it could be as simple as a handwritten thank you note. Ever see the movie, “Pay It Forward?” If not, go rent it and watch it for a good example of this tip and principle.

You can feel a sense of benevolence in many ways, some of which include:

• They consistently put your interests ahead of their own.
• They ensure that in any conflict, you’ll feel as if you came out better than they did, even if they had to lose something in order to reach a consensus.
• They under-promise and over-deliver.
• They have a “servant attitude” — it is clear that they are there to serve others, and if you needed someone at a crucial time, you could count on them.

Tip# 2: Become more competent every day.
Think about this: You’re either ‘green and growing’ as a person, or ‘ripe and rotting.’ Embrace lifelong learning. Realize that besides your faith, the biggest contributor to an increased sense of HOPE is continuing education, seminars, books, etc. Competence breeds trust!

Tip# 3: Remember that a decision sets you free!
Mike Litman says that more is lost in indecision, than in making the wrong decision. You have to trust yourself, once you’ve done the research, to make a decision. Like Nike says, “Just Do It.”

Procrastination kills countless great ideas. The achievers of this world treat ‘mistakes’ NOT as failures, but as learning lessons. Like Mike Litman also says, “Don’t get it perfectly right, just get it going!” Be willing to trust your gut, guys – or your intuition, ladies more than you do today.

Tip# 4: Walk your talk.
Remember when you mother or father would say something that you shouldn’t do, and then do it themselves? A lack of congruence — a match between what you say and DO — is critically important to building and maintaining trust. Consistency breeds trust. Be very slow and careful about what you promise. Under-promise and you’ll over-deliver and build trust.

Tip# 5: Be transparent — be authentic and genuine, with no ‘masks.’
Like it or not, we all tend to wear a sort-of “mask” or façade, depending on the situation and people we find ourselves. In my experience, those people who are most transparent about their true intent tend to be trusted the most. They don’t play games; they don’t behave differently in one situation or another. They are also open to being vulnerable, sharing their emotions, deepest thoughts or important life wisdom.

Tip# 6: Have unquestionable integrity.
This is a HUGE problem in the world today. I have someone at least once a week tell me a story of how they can’t find honorable, trustworthy employees to hire. You may not agree with me, but in my and others’ opinions, there is a war going on between good and evil. You want greater trust with people? Great, then if you violate a sense of ethics or morality, your boat is sunk. You have to be trusted at your word, period.

I graduated from West Point, the US Military Academy and served in the US Army. West Point’s Honor Code reads, “I will not lie, cheat or steal NOR tolerate those who do.” So, let’s say you observe your work buddy lifting a few boxes of CD disks from the office supply room — do you turn your back, or question him (and/or report him?) It’s about doing the “harder right than the easier wrong.” If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything.

Tip# 7: Create light by over-communicating.
True trust-building leaders communicate often and well so that people feel “in on things.” Don’t you like to feel like you’re “IN on things,” and rarely feel as if you’ve been left in the dark? Think of leaders that you’ve enjoyed working with in the past — didn’t they ‘over-communicate,’ constantly worked to make sure you felt in the loop, had seldom surprises because they saw communication as light in a dark room?

When you ask a child to do something, often they ask the simple question, “Why?” Adults are no different (we’re all just grown-up kids) and they want to understand the reasons ‘why’ it should be done, or why in that manner.

Tip# 8: Be emotionally intelligent.
1. Take full responsibility for who you are, where you at right now in life, and no excuses or rationalization.

2. Admitting when they don’t know something or better, surrounding themselves with very competent people in the areas that the leader is marginal or not an expert

3. Trusts others by delegating and empowering other people while not abdicating their own ultimate responsibility. They gently inspect what they expect.

4. Emotionally mature: when they make a mistake, they admit it quickly and sincerely.

Tip# 9: “Can I be honest with you?” is a great compliment to hear…
I have people constantly ask me, “Charlie can I be honest with you?” I sometimes say, “Well, of course … but what you have been until this point in time — dishonest?” What they are saying is one of several things:

• If I share this with you, will you keep in confidential?
• If I share this with you, will you also give me YOUR HONEST opinion (be careful)?
• This goes “against the grain” of what others are commonly thinking or saying, so here’s how I really stand on this issue or question…

The point here is that people want to be honest with one another, but constantly are concerned about office politics, being politically correct and other generally unjustifiable concerns. If you’re the type of person who commonly has people say to you, “Can I be honest with you?” it’s a good sign that you’re on the right path to being more trustworthy.

Tip# 10: When all else fails, remember that a thought of FEAR and a thought of FAITH or Courage cannot exist in the mind at the same time.
Probably the best, recent example of a benevolent company leader is the true story of a Massachusetts company whose manufacturing building burned to the ground, and whose owner continued payrolls until the plant was re-constructed. Loyalty breeds trust.
When your mind is filled with thoughts of faith, confidence, hope, charity and positive expectancy, fear has little ground in which to take root — and that helps you maintain trust — about people, organizations and the future.

How to Create Friction Free Relationships

You have an awkward interaction with your friend. Do you blame her and wait for an apology, or do you proactively reach out to ‘own’ your part in it?

Your assistant does your marketing promotion wrong. Do you get irritated at her or do you calm yourself down before asking her to help you understand what went awry and how you can prevent it next time?

In the car, your spouse/partner is lost and aggravated, but won’t stop to ask for directions. Do you snap at him to ‘calm down’ and remind him he ‘always does this’, or do you take out your iPhone GPS and make a ‘note to self’ to print out directions next time (thus averting the usual spat.)

Your answers depend on whether you follow the 50% rule. Usually you want to change what the other person is thinking and doing because it is annoying you or making you feel upset, and you think they ‘shouldn’t’ do it that way.

The 50% rule is an approach to all relationships (romantic, business, parenting, friendship, family) in which you focus on being “impeccable for your 50% of the interaction”. It’s not about ‘being nice’ or ‘giving in to keep the peace’. It’s about taking responsibility for your part, relying on your own tools to get yourself into the right emotional state, and acting in a way that aligns with “who you want to be” in the relationship.

The benefits of being impeccable for your 50% are many: you walk away from the interaction feeling proud of yourself rather than guilty for lashing out. You preserve your relationship rather than chip away at it. You decrease the other’s defensiveness so they are more likely to listen to you (and if they are not capable of much change, you are already ‘in a good place’ and thus detached from the ill effects of their behavior).

And this is the most important: you are ‘in control’!

To try out the 50% rule, think of a relationship in your life you want to be better. Draw an imaginary line in between you and that person — everything on one side is your 50% (what YOU think, how YOU feel, what YOU say, what YOU do), everything on the other is theirs.

Notice that what you have been doing until now in this relationship may be efforts that “cross the line”. You may have been “taking on their 50%” (e.g., absorbing their negative energy, feeling responsible for their feelings, trying to rescue them) or getting them to act differently (e.g., blame them to get an apology; tell them they need to change; do favors for them hoping they will approve of you and appreciate you). The other person probably experiences your efforts as controlling and it may have backfired.

Instead, influence them to improve the interaction — but stay within ‘your side of the line.’ There are so many possibilities; here are a few to practice:

1) Take charge of handling your own emotional response
It’s so tempting to scream at the other person to “Calm Down!!!” When you are being impeccable for your 50%, you don’t try to get the other person to relax, you focus on relaxing yourself (so that you can actually deal with the other person in a way that is more calm — that will surely help them to relax!)

Before you snap at your spouse like in the example above, calm yourself down. Try a technique called “reverse breathing”: breathe in slowly through your mouth and breathe out slowly through your nose (this calms your liver where your frustration accumulates). You should feel a cooling sensation across your tongue if you are doing it right. This technique is so powerful that you will notice a big difference within 10 to 30 seconds (it’s so powerful I’ve stopped fights on the NYC subways with it)!

2) Accept others’ level of evolution and work on yours!
Accept that others are generally doing what they do for good reason (at least within their own worldview). Know that whenever people are being rigid it’s usually because they are stuck on an emotionally unresolved issue that deep down makes them feel bad about themselves (even though it’s not apparent to them). If this is the case, then expecting the person to come around and apologize is a lost cause. Instead of assuming your friend is a jerk, think through what you did before or after their awkward behavior that might have contributed to the breakdown, and take responsibility by clarifying and apologizing for your part.

By doing this you have cleared your conscience and smoothed the way for them to come back with a constructive response. If she doesn’t, its ‘proof’ that there is something going on in ‘her 50%’ that has little to do with you, and though it might be sad for you, she is essentially showing you her ability to deal with her feelings. Staying mad at her for not being more evolved goes nowhere; instead focus on your 50% and how you set yourself up to be hurt by hoping she would be more capable of being the friend you desire.

3) Be bulletproof in your word and deed
Instead of blaming others, put your attention on communicating clearly so you can’t be misunderstood. Focus on using a tone that is motivating and respectful (e.g., say “help me understand what broke down here” instead of “you did this wrong”). Focus on noticing what the other person is doing right and let them know. Don’t give unclear directions and then blame your assistant/business partner for not producing what you wanted.

As you “say what you mean and mean what you say” but your assistant/business partner doesn’t, it becomes very clear with whom the “problem” lies and who is going to need to change as part of the solution. It shifts the balance of power and gives you strong leverage in negotiation — others cannot point a finger back at you, they must take responsibility or you will choose not to work with them.
In short, take 100% responsibility for your 50%. Decide who ‘you want to be’ in the interaction and focus on being HER! The irony is that by concerning yourself with your own 50%, you raise the odds of getting the other person to act how you want them to act. Enjoy the power of being ‘in control’ without being controlling!

7 Golden Rules of Communication

Good communication is not rocket science. It’s also not ‘painting by numbers’ where people have to learn a set of techniques. It’s not enough to learn some skills. The key to good communication is not just having good communication skills, but also having self-awareness. Why do you react and behave the way you do? What motivates your actions?
A cardinal problem at the root of conflict between people is the belief that the other person “makes you feel xyz”. Eleanor Roosevelt already stated “Nobody can make you feel anything without your consent!” That leads us to the…
Golden Rule No. 1: It’s not about you!
What someone else says or does to your is never about you! Don’t take what another person says personally! You only run the risk to become defensive and the situation will most likely escalate into a conflict. People only communicate from their own history and their own needs. What can you do? Look for the deeper, underlying meaning of the communication. What is the other person’s need?
Mastering rule no. 1 is certainly not easy. To be self-aware enough and detached enough to not be offended, defensive, or reactive when accused by someone (i.e. “you make me angry”)takes knowing yourself very well. It means that you need the skill to reflect on your actions, the other person’s actions, and on the dynamics created amongst them.
Golden Rule No. 2: Listen – Listen – Listen!
Many people think that communicating is mostly about telling other people about yourself. They talk and talk about themselves. Being in love with their own voice, they don’t notice that they may come across as a self-obsessed person. What they totally overlook is that the most important part in communicating is listening. Listening is not just waiting for your turn to speak. By listen actively you show the other person you care. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. It is one of the most healing and soothing experiences you can provide.
Do you struggle with listening skills? One of the best listening skills is “Active Listening”. When you go to my website http://gudrunfrerichs.com you will find examples about how to listen actively.
Golden Rule No. 3: Don’t treat an assumption as a fact!
People often have an idea about what they think is going on for the other person and don’t think for a moment to check their assumption out. For example “He doesn’t ring, that means he doesn’t love me. If he would love me, he would know how important it is for me that he rings”. Well, sometimes somebody not ringing just means they didn’t ring. You have to check it out with the other person. Don’t act upon the story you have made up in your head. We usually call that a ‘Fairy Tale’.
Rule no. 3 is certainly not easy to master. Most people are convinced that their evaluation of an incident is right. On top of that they are usually so insecure and have such low self-esteem that they can’t bear not to be right. So they end up in a “Yes you have – no I haven’t – yes you have – no I haven’t” conversation that leads to nothing but frustration.
Golden Rule No. 4: Be clear when you ask for something.
George Bernhard Shaw said “The problem with communication is that people believe it has already happened”. Indeed, a person may say “I need much more support from you” and thinks they have been perfectly clear about their request. Yet support could mean a million things to a million people. It’s great to communicate a need (i.e. support, connection, peace, warmth, space).For the other person to know how you would like to be supported for example, you will have to request a specific action “could you go with me to the dentist?” Remember, the other person is not a mind-reader.
I am convinced that half of the problems between couples or friends are based on people expecting the partner to know what they mean. It’s almost as if they want to go back to the time of being a 3 months old infant whose mother intuits all the time what it is the baby needs. They forget that it’s easy to do for new mothers considering the needs of the baby being limited to food, rest, warmth, and caring touch. Guessing adult needs in similar ways is impossible!
Golden Rule No. 5: Focus on what you want!
Be mindful of how you express your wishes and your requests. A mistake often made is that people express their wishes in negative forms and then expect the other person to know what they want. “I don’t want you to use this phone”. It’s like going into a restaurant and ordering “I don’t want spaghetti”. Well, you better express what you want and not what you don’t want if you don’t want to go home hungry.
It is surprising how often people talk about the things they don’t want rather than saying what it is they want. How about you do a small private research project and observe for a week or two how often you or someone else focuses on what they don’t want?
Golden Rule No. 6: Making “I-statements!”
You’ve heard it all! Making “I-statements” is the bread-and-butter of communication skills. Yet it is astounding how many people don’t follow that rule. When they share their experiences they rather use the non-committal ‘you’ and thereby communicate their experience from a once-removed position. Making “I-statements” is far more intimate and both you and the person you communicate with will be more connected to what you chose to share.
Making “I-statements” is far more difficult than people normally think. Consider the following statement: “You can’t get by on the benefit” and then try on for size “I can’t get by on the benefit”. A very, very different kettle of fish.
Golden Rule No. 7: Learn about yourself!
When we communicate with another person we cannot not be influenced by our personal experiences. If you want to relate to the person that is standing in front of you, you need to know which of your feelings and perceptions belong to that person and to the here and now, and which of them belongs to people and experiences from your past. If you struggle more often with communication issues, it might be a good idea to see a counselor or psychotherapist to help you to understand the link between your current reactions and your past experiences.
Master these Golden Rules and you will become a master of communication in no time!
by Dr. Gudrun Frerichs

5 Tips to ‘Think Positive’ When You Are Anxious

Do you ever have the experience where you are worried what is going to happen in the future? It’s not anything specific, or maybe it’s many specific challenges that are all adding up. You might even know your anxiety is ‘irrational’ but that doesn’t help!

Here are two approaches you can use to ‘think positive’ and get back into a state where you have ease and can concentrate.

Focus on the Moment

1. Focus on the specific physical feeling you are having in your body, not on your thoughts.
For example, say to yourself slowly, “I feel tension in my shoulders; I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.” Don’t focus on thoughts like, “What if I lose my job” or “I have so much to do”. Before 7 seconds have passed, you will notice a shift in the feeling in your body and breathing will come easier. Keep doing this a few times until the feeling of anxiety has passed.

2. Focus on what you CAN control in the moment.
Your thoughts tend to run wild towards worst case scenarios and what you can’t control. Try to pinpoint something specific you are worried about, and determine specifically what worries you about the situation. Ask yourself, “What can I do right now to have more control over the outcome of this situation?” Action replaces fear.

By Sharon Melnick, PhD
3. Train your body to get rid of fear.
Do this exercise: Bring together the tips of the thumb and index finger and bring your hands up so they are in front of your chest facing away from you. You will breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Each time you breathe out, forcefully push your hands away from you like you are pushing away something you don’t want and blow out through your mouth. Then breathe in through your nose and bring your hands back towards your chest, with your elbows by your side. Do this exercise for 1-3 minutes and you will train your body to get rid of fear.

Take yourself out of the moment — Sometimes overfocusing on the moment keeps you stressed. Instead:

4. Project yourself into the future.
Picture yourself in the distant future, when this particular moment is insignificant and you have worked out your current problems. This ‘future’ version of your self has more perspective on your overall life than you do right now — ask it what the best way is to proceed in the current situation.

5. Use distraction.
Make the distraction productive: connect with other people, go outside in a natural environment that is soothing for your senses, do a breathing exercise, listen to music or a motivating talk. Don’t just numb out with an unmemorable surfing session on the internet or putter around at your desk. Probably the best distraction you can do is to be grateful for the problems that you have. Though it sounds trite, there are many people in the world whose problems are much worse than yours. I immediately think of a child I support in Africa barely living with running water, or a man I often see in the subway station who has no arms. It immediately gives me renewed appreciation for all that I have and then energizes me to do something with it. This works for a lot of people and may work for you too!

Here’s a link to a recording that previews the Success under Stress for Women program.. We start the actual program next week so if you want to be more efficient at accomplishing work, have good concentration and energy all day long and sleep through the night, then don’t miss getting on the train that’s about to leave the station. Click here to find out more: http://getcontrolnow.com/
Here’s to you being positive when you are anxious!

Traits of the Effective, Respected, and Liked Leader

A truly energizing leader acts as a catalyst – the one who ultimately gets people going. They move others out of their comfort zone by believing in them and providing the support those people need to take risks. This person can raise the passion and enthusiasm of others so they want to take action. Change is looked upon as something to embrace, not fear. Challenges are met with open minds and more optimism versus pessimism. One of the principles in the Dale Carnegie Training program is for a leader to become a consensus builder. A major point is to arouse interest in your ideas by asking for advice and opinions. Make the phrase “What if…” a standard working tool. When people have had a say in setting a goal or putting together a proposal, they are more willing to work hard to make it work right.

A respected and liked leader operates from a base of integrity and honesty. You can be trusted to do what you say you will do and people believe that you will act for the good of the situation, the firm, and/or them-depending on the circumstances. Others may not like what is happening but they know the leader is acting upon what he or she believes is the best option given the timing and situation. While these traits can make you vulnerable, you will generally find that people will stand up with you and behind you for support. Telling people the good, the bad, and all the important details in between builds a base for them to share with you. Many times, an innovative suggestion will emanate from an unexpected source.

Leaders find ways to create small wins for the team as this helps to motivate people to continue striving and achieving towards individual and group efforts. Opportunities are set up to reach achievable goals so that good feelings of esteem and attitude are regularly obtained.

A sense of humor helps keep the perspective – especially when times are tense or troubled. Let’s face it, hardly anything in life can’t be laughed at if you look for that element. We tend to look for the worst so go for it and magnify those scenarios until you find the ludicrous in the situation. Of course, humor is important for everyday use as well – so many studies have proven this over and over. We’ve all heard that laughter is the best medicine, and it’s true. Jim Rohn states that “in leadership we learn that it’s okay to be witty, but not silly. It’s okay to be fun, but not foolish.”

Over the years I have found a great deal of truth to the following statement made by General H. Norman Schwarzkopf. “Some of the best leadership lessons I learned as a young officer were from terrible officers. I mean, absolutely morally bankrupt officers who had no redeeming qualities. People followed them out of sheer wonder for what they would do next. You learn far more from negative leadership than from positive leadership because you learn how not to do it. And, therefore, you learn how to do it.”

A good leader learns to listen attentively to what is said between the lines and for ferreting out what else needs to be brought out into the open. Words left unspoken can often be the most dangerous because they lurk and fester. Also, an astute leader notices who isn’t saying anything and tries to find out why and then find out what was left unstated. An open environment will tell you a lot but rarely will each individual involved be totally upfront about what is on their mind. Feedback and alternative perspectives are essential to a healthy organization of any type.

Discovering the way someone processes their thoughts and how those turn into actions is a prime responsibility for an effective leader. The method a person arrives at for his or her conclusions can be the basis for understanding how that person views their world, how they find solutions to problems, how they will interact with others, and if they work better on their own or as part of a team.

An innovative and interesting way to engage people’s imagination is to make use of slogans. These can make a big difference in attitude and productivity. Advertisers have known this for a long time and companies have built up a certain image internally and externally by branding their strategy, product, or service with a slogan. The words may be forceful (as in Martin Luther King’s famous “I have a dream”) or they may be more subtle and only used within a small group as their private cheer or motivating statement. This idea can work for a corporate company, a special team, a club, or an individual entrepreneur.
Being an effective, liked, and respected leader entails a lot of characteristics that aren’t always easy to live up to and live with. But they will make you successful and people will be loyal to you-regardless of the circumstances. Act with integrity, be accountable, express interest, act with quality, be dynamic and flexible, show humor, reassure your working companions that you are there for them, create winning situations, and be a catalyst. You probably already incorporate most of these traits into your life – now enhance them to enlarge your base of positive power.
By Virginia Reeves

The 11/11 Process For Healing Self Practical Exercise for Changing Negative Belief Systems Into Positive Beliefs

Can’t Get What You Want Out Of Life?

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we simply can’t seem to break through from an area of life that we are struggling with, which causes us to continually experience things such as lack of money, or inability to gain love and support.

There Is A Way To Change Your Life For The Better!

In order to achieve outer results in life, there is a necessity to create inner adjustments and the only way to do this effectively is to directly embrace the aspect of ourselves that isn’t working, and then “re-script” the reality that we do wish to create.

Apart from powerful Quanta Freedom™ Healing solutions which are often instant, the 11/11 process provides breakthrough solutions and if adhered to diligently creates fast and sustainable results.

How the 11/11 Healing Process Can Help

This process is a powerful method for changing a false belief system that isn’t serving you into a positive belief system. Doing so will create miraculous new realities. The numbers 11/11 are known by spiritualists as a ‘portal of manifestation’. Many people attest to seeing the numbers 11/11 continually in everyday life, such as on clocks, number plates and signs.

Individuals who have worked with this process diligently and correctly have indeed experienced great shifts in thinking and behaviour as well as created powerful positive manifestations.

The 11/11 Process works like this… You are establishing an essential and intimate relationship with yourself. Your conscious mind is focusing upon a new positive program and filtering this to your subconscious. False belief systems will be released from your subconscious to make room for the new positive program.

What Can Be Expected from Doing The 11/11 Healing Process

People and situations will reflect to you your new internal belief system. For example the positive statement “I love and accept myself” will start creating outer conditions that support this belief. (Such events will grant you feedback as to how you are absorbing the new program.)

you’ll feel peace, empowerment and a greater connection with yourself.

Your responses will contain vital information as to which belief systems will require ongoing re-programming. Your subconscious will reveal the next steps of your healing journey.

Your thoughts, words and actions will start supporting your new belief system, which powerfully assists the creation of the life you wish to live.

How To Do The 11/11 Healing Process

Write the positive belief system down in a journal. As you do so, focus on the positive statement.
After writing this statement, sit and wait for your mind to grant a response. DO NOT judge the response in anyway. Simply write it. It could be anything ranging from negativity / disbelief to positivity / belief or any related issues or any unrelated issues. If nothing comes to mind write “No response.” The response can be as long or as short as you wish.
Continue this process 11 times.
Do this process once a day for 11 days straight.

Important Points to Remember
The full 11 positive statements and responses must be written in one sitting with no breaks or distractions.
If you leave out a day you must begin the process from day one again.
Up to three positive belief systems can be worked on simultaneously. Each of these must be completed one at a time – i.e. 11 statements and responses each.
A break of 11 days is required before returning to work on the same positive statement.

Example of the 11/11 Process

Journal Entries :: Day 1 – 5/7/07
Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: I don’t know if I can do this. This feels so hard. Part of me is sitting here saying, ‘What the hell – what do I need to do this for?’ Another part of me really knows that for some reason I have to. I can’t even imagine having a conversation like this with myself. Normally, I’d sit down, tune out and watch TV.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: Okay, so here I am doing this. Okay, what is it going to mean? What does loving me feel like? It certainly has to feel better than the stinking versions of love I’ve had. What is love anyway? If it means feeling better and really being able to trust someone again and open my heart, I guess it’s got to be okay. Anything’s got to be better than what’s happened before.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: So I’m doing really well – up to the third one already and I haven’t walked away yet! God, I’m good! (Just a little bit of humour). How interesting! How often do I try to cover up my feelings with humour – now I’m uncomfortable having a conversation with myself, especially one that is about telling myself something nice! Come to think of it it’s always been hard for me to accept any compliments from anyone.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: Who the hell am I trying to kid! I don’t love myself. I never have. If I loved myself I wouldn’t drink myself to oblivion every chance I have and I wouldn’t keep choosing men who beat the crap out of me. It’s really pretty obvious that I have terrible self-worth and self-love. I am sick to death of trying to prove how tough I am and put on a front. The bottom line is I’m terrified of getting hurt and damaged again – and then I shortcut the system by damaging myself first.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: So I know I’m supposed to be really honest with my responses and I’m really trying to. Blah, blah – what on earth else can I say? Alright – you want to know the truth? Of course I’d love to believe this statement. Who wouldn’t? It’s been so hard trying to feel alright. Why on earth couldn’t I have grown up feeling loved? Why did I have to go through what I did? Of course I know the reason why – to bloody well heal myself. But it still hurts. Great I’m crying now – as if I need more pain!

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: Okay, I know, I know – get it out! The only way out is through! So I’m really focusing on this statement ‘I love myself’ – I’m trying. I want this. I want so badly to feel loved, and safe and protected. I never have been. I’ve never felt this, ever, ever in my whole life. Please, please something help me, help me feel this one day. Okay, breathe. I know I’m going to be okay. It’s perfectly alright to feel this pain – surely what isn’t going to kill me is going to make me stronger!

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: So what are the choices – throw in the towel because I’m crying and go and pick up a drink, or stay here with my journal? I’m sick of giving in to myself and causing more pain. Okay, no matter what it takes I am determined. I’m sick of my life and I want to change it for the better. I’m 43 years of age and I feel like I’ve never got anywhere. It’s time I did something about it. I really do know no one is ever going to love me unless I learn to love myself.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: Okay, journal I’m here with you. Whew! That feels better, I was nearly tempted for a moment. No more! No more crap! What a roller-coaster – all because I’m sitting here writing to myself telling me ‘I love myself’. My God – is it any wonder I never believed anybody else who said these words? Is it any wonder that I viewed them with suspicion, or was waiting for them to leave, hurt me or run off with another woman, just like my father did?

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: What a bloody system. Fix it or reincarnate and do it again! Gee, great choices. Is there an option number three? I guess not – even ‘pick a box’ might be better. What if I don’t want to be me? What if God got it wrong? Do I get a trade-in or a refund? Can’t I swap bodies with someone else, someone who has less cellulite?

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: That was pretty funny. Now I’m laughing. Shit! I really do take it all way too seriously. So what if I have a bit of cellulite? I don’t expect other people to be perfect, so why on earth do I think I have to be? Even gorgeous movie stars have cellulite. Having cellulite never made someone a bad person.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: I know I can do this. So there really is a lot to love about me when I think about it. There are plenty of people that appreciate me. The problem is I have been too busy hooking into the people that don’t and trying to make them accept me. I’d do much better by simply loving me and allowing other loving people to be around me.

This process continues each day for 11 days straight.
Below are partial examples of day 5 and day 11 . . .

Journal Entries :: Day 5 – 9/7/07
Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: So here we go again. I’ve been such a good girl. I haven’t drunk one night since I’ve started doing this. I’m probably too scared of what I’ll write if I’m drunk! Actually I know I won’t do it if I start drinking – and I’m determined to go through with this. I really have to admit I’m feeling better already.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: I’m pretty proud of myself. I did the best grocery shop I can remember doing in a long time. No more baked beans on toast! I actually feel like cooking for myself again. I can’t believe it! Surely this must mean I am starting to ‘love myself’. Everyone at work has commented by saying how much better I look. Sure, sure it only took four nights of balling my eyes out – but hey it must have been worth it!

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: So dear journal I am spending more time with you having conversations than I can remember being bothered to talk to anyone for a long time. But this is having a conversation with myself. Surely people used to get locked up for doing this! I must say I have been sleeping so much better than I can remember for a long time. I’m not feeling anywhere nearly as lonely as I was, and I really am not tempted to try and get back together with that loser. Thank God!

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: I had such a nice conversation with my daughter today. She sounded much happier than she has sounded for a long time. She told me how much better it was for us to talk without me criticizing her. Did I really always used to do this? I guess I never realised how I came across because I was so involved in my own pain.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: Does this mean I’m off the alcohol? I didn’t think I’d be able to stop drinking like this. Okay, it’s early days. I know I have a long way to go. One day at a time. Okay, keep focusing on looking after me. Bugger it! I am going to book a healing this week, and I’m also going to go and get my hair done. I think I might even tell the hairdresser to do a completely new style. I deserve to feel and look good. I haven’t gone through all this writing for nothing!

Continue through till number 11.

Journal Entries :: Day 11 – 15/7/07
Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: I can feel me coming on! Yes! I got a raise today. Okay, so it was only small, but it was a raise. And my brother has invited me up to Queensland for a week and he has offered to pay. This is pretty darn good. Life truly isn’t that bad after all, and I still haven’t had a drink. I really don’t feel like it.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: A couple of the guys told me how spunky I look! Not that I’m interested in either of them, but it is really nice to get the compliments. I certainly haven’t felt like I could bother feeling attractive. Now I want to go out and get a new wardrobe – or at least some bits and pieces – money permitting!

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: I know this is working. I can feel it. My life really is pretty good. I do have a lot to be thankful for. When I think of what some other people have to try and deal with, I really do have it pretty good. I know now I have a focus on myself and am feeling better. And I have stopped drinking. I’m nowhere nearly as unhappy and stressed as I used to be. I really want to find a hobby now. I used to play tennis years ago and loved it. I wonder if Anne would like to join something with me, she used to play when she was younger too.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: It’s actually feeling great not having a guy in my life at the moment. I never thought I’d say this! I really want to concentrate on myself for a while – this is feeling too good to stuff it up with a guy! I really would love the right love relationship but I know I need to get myself right first. I so don’t want to fall back into the same pattern again. It’s way too painful. If I really work at finding me – for the first time in my life – it never has to happen again.

Affirmation: I unconditionally love and accept myself.
Response: I really am starting to know what it feels like to love myself. I now know it is a warmth, a safety and a feeling that everything is going to be okay. It’s also a wanting to look after myself and enjoy my life. For the first time that I can remember I actually feel love. I feel like I want to make up for lost time. I really feel like I want to do the things that I have been too sad and depressed to do. This feels great. I am starting to feel free of the pain. It’s not all the time, but the good times and feelings are getting longer and longer. They aren’t just fleeting moments.

Continue through till number 11.

10 Ways to Instantly Build Self Confidence

Self confidence is the difference between feeling unstoppable and feeling scared out of your wits. Your perception of yourself has an enormous impact on how others perceive you. Perception is reality — the more self confidence you have, the more likely it is you’ll succeed.

Although many of the factors affecting self confidence are beyond your control, there are a number of things you can consciously do to build self confidence. By using these 10 strategies you can get the mental edge you need to reach your potential.
1. Dress Sharp

Although clothes don’t make the man, they certainly affect the way he feels about himself. No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are. When you don’t look good, it changes the way you carry yourself and interact with other people. Use this to your advantage by taking care of your personal appearance. In most cases, significant improvements can be made by bathing and shaving frequently, wearing clean clothes, and being cognizant of the latest styles.

This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.

2. Walk Faster

One of the easiest ways to tell how a person feels about herself is to examine her walk. Is it slow? tired? painful? Or is it energetic and purposeful? People with confidence walk quickly. They have places to go, people to see, and important work to do. Even if you aren’t in a hurry, you can increase your self confidence by putting some pep in your step. Walking 25% faster will make to you look and feel more important.

3. Good Posture

Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered.

4. Personal Commercial

One of the best ways to build confidence is listening to a motivational speech. Unfortunately, opportunities to listen to a great speaker are few and far between. You can fill this need by creating a personal commercial. Write a 30-60 second speech that highlights your strengths and goals. Then recite it in front of the mirror aloud (or inside your head if you prefer) whenever you need a confidence boost.

5. Gratitude

When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.

6. Compliment other people

When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process, you’ll become well liked and build self confidence. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.

7. Sit in the front row

In schools, offices, and public assemblies around the world, people constantly strive to sit at the back of the room. Most people prefer the back because they’re afraid of being noticed. This reflects a lack of self confidence. By deciding to sit in the front row, you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.

8. Speak up

During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.

9. Work out

Along the same lines as personal appearance, physical fitness has a huge effect on self confidence. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel insecure, unattractive, and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physical appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.

10. Focus on contribution

Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.

The Most Tragic Addiction

In my experience and observation the most tragic and insidious of all addictions is the addiction to suffering. The clinical definition of addiction is “compulsive repetition of a known behavior with adverse consequences.” In other words addiction is repeatedly engaging in actions that knowingly cause adverse results. There are two persistent issues connected with addictions, (1) what is causing the addiction and (2) how do we stop it?

The reason I believe the addiction to suffering is the most tragic is because many people do not even know they are addicted to it. They live their lives of silent misery oftentimes believing that is how life should be. Many religions promote suffering as necessary and a part of life. The most ironic of all ironies is that the one thing we all have in common is that we all want to be happy. Yet we all suffer from this addiction to be miserable. The lucky ones are the ones that realize that suffering is optional and they do something about it.

Suffering sometimes is difficult to identify. Oftentimes we experience periods of time when we are not in crisis mode and we are getting what we want. We think that we are happy. In fact, what we are experiencing is low-grade anxiety, not happiness. Happiness has nothing to do with getting what we want. The feeling that we experience when we get what we want is pleasure, not happiness. When we are experiencing pleasure, there is always the underlying fear that it will not last and we experience constant stress. In fact, suffering always follows pleasure. It is part of life.

It would appear that the addiction to suffering begins at an early age, when we learn that we can get our parents’ attention and the attention of loved ones when we engage in forbidden or negative behavior. This is known as “negative attention”. When we are “good”, and follow the rules laid down by the authority figures in our lives, we only get occasional attention. We quickly learn that we can get attention by breaking the rules, defying our parents, and engaging in anti-social behavior. It seems that most people believe that they can only get attention by being the best at something or being a pest. It doesn’t matter that engaging in behavior that results in punishment actually is painful, it does have the desired effect, and people pay attention to us.

Ironically, many times we are not aware we are engaging in this type of behavior. We mistakenly label life as unfair and ourselves victims, when we have created the behavior that has the adverse consequences. Then we suffer, stop making any effort to take responsibility for our actions and become drama kings and queens. Think of the people in our lives that live with the most melodrama, the most adverse consequences, and often view themselves as the ultimate victims in an unfair world. Both the behavior and the complaining about the adverse consequences are subconsciously calculated to get attention.

Many times this addiction is underlying a more visible addiction, substance abuse, sexual abuse, or criminal behavior. When society has had enough of this behavior, it simply locks these people away with others with similar addictions. We can attempt to recover from these superficial addictions, but end up miserable and self-defeating because we are not aware of the underlying addiction to suffering. AA has a saying, sober up a horse thief and you have a horse thief. You do not become happy by becoming sober. This is why so many people relapse.

So how does one recover from this addiction? As with other addictions, the first step is awareness and taking responsibility for what we do. When we admit to ourselves that we are unhappy and want to change, that is half the battle. We have to stop lying to ourselves and saying that we are happy when we are not. The suffering only increases when we lie to others and ourselves. We have to identify the cause of our suffering, which is our thinking. When we are completely honest and admit that it is our thinking that is causing our suffering, not outside circumstances, and then we have a chance of becoming happy.

You cannot stop thinking. That is humanly impossible. The only solution is to realize that our thinking is not who we are. In other words, we are not our thoughts. Our thoughts are the byproduct of millions of electrical biochemical events every second in our brain. Awareness is not thinking. We can be aware of our thoughts if we detach from them and realize that they are not real. So the addiction to suffering can also be described as the addiction to thinking.

In order to recover from this addiction — the addiction to thinking — we have to let go of our attachment to thinking. Thinking actually is good; it is what gets us dressed in the morning, accomplishes goals, life in society and helps us survive in this physical dimension. However, we have to recognize the difference between “I” as a self-aware life force and “I” as a collection of thoughts. The former is naturally happy; the latter suffers. The more we focus on the former, the happier we are. The more we fall into the trap of believing that we are our thoughts, the more we suffer.
Instead of believing our thoughts, we can look at the sunset, we can observe what is going on around us without thought or opinion, we can enjoy just “being.” Since we are human beings, we are going to lower ourselves into the hell of thinking from time to time, but it doesn’t have to be all of the time. If we remember that thinking is an addiction which causes suffering, perhaps we won’t do it so much and enjoy life more.
By James Robinson

GREAT GOD

God is Jehovah Over do because He has;
More sky than man can see
More sea than man can sail
More sun than man can bear to watch
More stars than man can count
More breath than man can breathe
More yield than man can sow
More grace than man can comprehend
More love than man can know
Oh, the extravagance of God!

GREAT GOD

God is Jehovah Over do because He has;
More sky than man can see
More sea than man can sail
More sun than man can bear to watch
More stars than man can count
More breath than man can breathe
More yield than man can sow
More grace than man can comprehend
More love than man can know
Oh, the extravagance of God!